It doesn't matter how old you are...

You could really put anything into the end of that sentence and have it make sense. There are limitless possibilities! But I'm going to choose to end it like so;

It doesn't matter how old you are because you're never too old to have an accident.

Here is my story.

Traveled up to Washington to visit my bro for the weekend. The car ride is anywhere from 2 1/2 to 3 1/2 hours depending on how many idiots are surrounding you at any given time on the freeway. On car trips I go prepared. I have small children. I limit snacks and fluid intake as to discourage any urgent bathroom breaks. I even travel with our training 'little potty' - which is firmly placed inbetween the seats for the duration of the trip. I inform the kids that I am not "stopping." If you need to go, you'll calmly get out of your seatbelt, and you will carefully use the potty to ensure no spillage. No, I am not above the occasional breaking of the law for my convienence. If the kids have to go, they have to go, and I don't have the time (or patience really) to stop.

This time it wasn't the kids who demanded a nasty gas station bathroom. It was me.

Speeding down the freeway I started getting the strangest stomach pain. A cramp. A psuedo contraction. WTF? I already went #2 this morning... I eat well. I get enough fruits and vegetables... I have been only drinking water.... They came and went for about 15 minutes. I passed several exits contemplating whether or not I should pull over and sit on the toilet. The thought of taking all the kids with me into the bathroom was enough to change my mind and I decided to tough it out. Wrong.

It hit me like the BO of an old man to an unsuspecting nose. This. Was. An. Emergency. I started to sing to myself a little and chant 'oh gosh oh gosh oooh gosh' over and over while I searched frantically for an exit off the freeway. I had the picture of my son in my head who puts his fork down at the dinner table and suddenly displays a look of terror on his face as he whines "I have to go poop I have to go pooooop." I always look at him and think 'why the hysteria?' Understood. I honestly had the fleeting thought that if I could just reach that little potty and somehow fashion it underneath me while driving I would do it.... I was desperate. I literally used every muscle in my body to hold it in. It was coming whether I liked it or not and I had to get to a bathroom now. Thankfully I saw an exit coming that had a gas station. I raced towards the exit probably reaching speeds of 90 miles an hour. I thought that if a police officer tries to pull me over I won't stop. I'll yell out the window "I have to POOP!!!" as I get out of the car racing towards the bathroom. I'll take the ticket. Gladly. I pulled into the gas station and yanked the kids out of their car seats running to the bathroom. I probably looked like such an ass. Luckily no key was required and it wasn't occupied. Two miracles in my favor today.

Bathroom. Success. Everything came out okay. I may have soiled my chones a little - but that is okay. Accidents happen right?

Family pictures

So we had family pictures taken the other day.

Oh. myGosh.

The level of humility a photographer must have to be able to photograph small children is unmeasureable. Here she comes, all smiles with her bag of tricks. She places each child in their assigned spot asking them to place their hands this way or tilt their head ever so slightly.

Then the real fun begins. She at first begins small. Little cute noises she makes. Funny gestures. However, as the task of getting our children to all laugh at the same time becomes challenging she goes for the big guns. Socks on her head? Animal noises? Animal impersonations? Even I watched from an uncomfortable state somewhere between bewildered and horrified. The kids looked shocked and bemused inbetween their giggling. Somehow it all works. We all coo at the children saying "how pretty Bella, niiiice smile" or "Moshe are you cute? Tell the lady you're cute." Wes dances around trying to get the kids to laugh and I watch as they strive to plaster their best faked-to-look-natural smile.

I almost wish I could've hired a second photographer to take pictures of all the shannanigans. All the awkward things we do to try to get our kids to laugh or to look pretty. It would be way more interesting to see those pictures than the pictures themselves I think. In fact you really could make a photo collage - you know the frames that have three separate spaces to put three correlating pictures in - but instead you start with the pictures of the antics leading up that the classic pose. NOW THAT - I would pay for. :)

Getting older is so surreal. There are so many joyous reminders tucked into each little crumbly bite of life. Holidays. Birthdays. Getting carded with a raised brow. Not getting carded at all. Playing a sport you used to be good at... then realizing it was a horrible mistake. (Or embarrassing at the very least).

I feel alikened to a zombie today. I got home from work and then my mind went blank. "What are you going? Who are you doing?" Heh. Heh. Heh. I sat for awhile. I sat and stared at the stains on our ugly cream colored wannabe carpet... or maybe I glared for awhile... What is my problem? Who knows? My knees hurt, they're aching from standing. Really? Add it to the list. Right?

Having a hard time lately. Feeling glum. Feeling old. Feeling like the time is ticking to do something important enough to report as a 'win' for the home team. In reality I have accomplished more than enough to the average eye. I've done time in the military. I'm a mom to four children, three of them my own. But I still wait. I listen intently. I wonder all kinds of 'what ifs'. I want to feel important. I want to feel young... but not overwhelmingly so. I want to be successful. I want to have it all.

Am I an overachiever?

I want to live in a parallel universe like the cast of LOST. I want to have my cake and eat it too. Who says dreams die young?

random thoughts... this is how my brain works

Follow a train of thought with me for a moment...

(Driving down the road.)

Look at that guy riding that bike... Those shorts have to be uncomfortable... how do guys ride bikes with a little seat like that? How does that not affect his balls?

I wish I had more time to leisurely ride my bike to and from things...

Wow my eyebrows need to be plucked.

Why am I constantly subjected to listening to Lady-Ga-Ga? "rah rah rom mamama oohh la la lahhh dduuhhh duhh... bad ro-mance...."

(Reading a text)

Wes: something something (I can't remember what because all I saw were the following words) 'negative nancy'

This turns me in from slightly bemused by my surroundings to totally irritated. Explain why me having an opinion that negates his makes me Negative Nancy? Would he appreciate me calling him Delusional Dave? Or how about Prideful Peter? Childish Charlie? Lazy Luke? Shortcut Shaun? Hmmm something tells me those would all offend him equally and the same. Which brings me to my next point -

I am totally within my rights to share an opinion that differs from any ones else's that shows more wisdom, sheds light, or encompasses the pros and cons of any situation. OR if at (very) least - I like to simply put my own spin on any scenario WITHOUT being called negative. Since when did 'opinionated' become 'negative'? I am not and have never been a bumbling idiot taking orders without asking questions. Dammit! That's who I am! I came into this world asking questions!

Wow look at all those baby cows to the left! I wish Iiiii had a farm with baby cows. There is nothing cuter than baby farm animals.

Maybe I should get a calendar with baby farm animals they sell those don't they? That would make me happy.

Lol...

Pep Talks

Lately I have been giving myself a lot of pep talks.

(AM)

Okay face look alive people! Look alive! Straighten those fine lines. Try not to be so damn saggy what am I? Chopped liver?

(late AM)

I can do anything with the amount of caffeine I've consumed yet... or with at least a litte more.......

(PM)

YOU CAN get through your day without being annoyed with your children..... well, (pause for effect) at least some people can..........

(late PM)

Only a few more hours before bedtime... and a few glasses of wine.... :)

My metabolism has hit a brick wall lately. Or at least it feels as such. I think if I only ate what I was hungry for I'd probably eat somewhere around 900 calories a day. I probably eat twice that, at very least, and I struggle to find the energy and time to exercise. I used to fantasize about how I looked in highschool - and wished I looked that way again until recently when I stumbled on some old videos of me in highschool - which brings me to my next point.

What the freaking hell.

I was quite the foo-foo. Totally chubby. I wonder how - during my highschool years - did I miss out on that? How did I look at myself then which such endearing optimism when as of late I can hardly scrounge out the words to say "yeah I look pretty good?" Now I cringe at the thought of what everyone must've really thought, behind my back at least, or scribbled on bathroom walls... (funny how none of that matters now of course...) However, somewhere somehow everyone still cares about their 'high school persona.' And then I figure at least I can look forward to my high school reunion. At least I won't be the 'one who got fat' right? At least I can look forward to hearing a hundred times.... "Wow (in a really boid voice) you look REALLY good for having THREE kids!"

@*#$&*%#**!!!!!!!

The First... duh duh duhhhhhhhhhhh

Okay -

So I'm trying this. And its mainly for you Desiree... because I honestly don't know what other person in this world would be attall interested in reading my random thoughts. (Not that you're interested but...

Right now I'm annoyed. AS US-UA-L... I bet you can't imagine that?

I dislike indirect people. I hate indirect comments... everyone does it too - and women are notorious for passive agressiveness or being 'vague.' I see this at work all the time - working with other various ages of women - and I begin to wonder if my personal 'sifter' is broken. You know the one... the tool that prevents you from belching out any comment that comes to your mind like - "your breath stinks" or "you should never wear that tie ever again" or "you are probably one of the ugliest people i have ever seen and its almost offensive."

Which brings me to my previous point... how is it that women and people in general have such a problem with being indirect when I struggle with saying exactly whats on my mind? I don't understand it... I'm rude. Sure. Sometimes. Overall I say exactly what people want me to say - and I say it nicely.

Them : "Isn't she the cutest little girl you've ever seen?"

Me: "Yes. She is adorable."

But what I really think is...

Me: "Not really... Her eyes are far apart and she looks like a monkey with all that hair..."

But... haha... I plead the 5th.